I’m entering a stage of life I never expected and feel completely lost.

 

"Hi everyone, I’m entering a stage of life I never expected and feel completely lost.

My wife wants me to agree to a separation agreement with terms that feel overwhelming:

1. I move out by the end of the month,
2. She keeps the house and all assets,
3. Shared custody of our two kids is acceptable.

She earns significantly more than I do, but I’ve always been the one paying for most of our shared expenses (like the kids’ school, medical bills, and activities). I also handle the bulk of the parenting, especially when she’s traveling or working late.

I know the first step is finding a lawyer, but how do you pick a good one? I’m in New York—any recommendations would be appreciated.

Also, what else should I be considering? My wife is a successful lawyer, a strong negotiator, and very well-connected. She’s been sending me passive-aggressive, almost threatening emails, which is adding to the pressure.

Any tips or advice would mean a lot. Thanks in advance."

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My Take:

You’re navigating some choppy waters, and the deck feels stacked against you, but this isn’t an impossible fight. The key here is preparation, standing your ground, and building a strong support system.

1. Choosing the Right Lawyer

• Look for a divorce attorney who has experience handling cases involving high-earning spouses and custody arrangements.
• Check reviews and ask for referrals. If you know anyone who has gone through a divorce in your area, ask them about their experience with their lawyer.
• Prioritize attorneys who offer free consultations. This allows you to ask questions, gauge their expertise, and ensure they’re a good fit.

When meeting with lawyers, ask:

• Do they have experience in custody disputes where one parent is the primary caregiver?
• How do they handle cases involving a spouse with a higher income?
• What’s their strategy for handling aggressive or domineering opposing parties?

2. Protect Yourself Financially

• Gather all financial records, including bank statements, tax returns, and documentation of expenses you’ve covered (like the kids’ school fees and medical bills).
• Keep track of your parenting contributions—dates, times, and details of when you’ve been the primary caregiver.
• Avoid signing any agreement until your lawyer reviews it. Your wife’s proposed terms are heavily skewed in her favor, and you deserve a fair settlement.

3. Focus on Custody

• Shared custody is great, but ensure the agreement reflects the reality of your parenting contributions. If you’ve been the primary caregiver, that should be recognized legally.

4. Dealing with Pressure

• Keep all communication in writing. Her passive-aggressive emails may feel like a power play now, but they could work to your advantage later if her tone is unprofessional or threatening.
• Don’t let her push you into rushed decisions. You’re entitled to take the time needed to secure your rights.

5. Consider the Big Picture

• You don’t need to leave the house immediately—this is a major negotiation point. If the house is marital property, its value should be factored into the settlement.

Helpful Resources:

1. New York Courts Divorce Resources – A great starting point for understanding your rights and legal options.
2. "The Divorce Handbook: Your Basic Guide to Divorce" by James T. Friedman – A practical guide, available on Amazon.

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