Jump forward 10 years. He’s back


 "Child's father was abusive, resulting in temporary protection order that has been resolved. During TPO, bio dad was granted access to child’s grandmother for visitation. He did that once and stopped when he wasn’t allowed to take her to his home. I had to block him several times over the years due to escalations and unnecessary arguments. Then he moved across the country, carried on with life.

Jump forward 10 years.
He’s back, daughter (13) wants a relationship with him, so I’m doing what I can to foster that. But due in part to his history of sketch, I’m restricting visits to once per month with unlimited virtual connection. I’m doing this because he’s been so unreliable and has an unstable life that is only remotely stable due to his poor girlfriend. He doesn’t regularly work, thus ‘cannot afford’ his child support of $183 per month and is over $21k behind on that.
Am I being reasonable or just a bitter baby mama?"

My Take: First of all, let’s give you credit where it’s due. You’re navigating a situation that’s emotionally loaded and doing it with a focus on your daughter’s well-being, despite a history that would make a lot of people shut the door completely. That’s not bitterness; that’s maturity.

Your restrictions are more than reasonable. A once-a-month in-person visit with unlimited virtual contact provides him with opportunities to rebuild trust without putting your daughter in a potentially unstable situation. Your history with him—and his lack of financial contribution or demonstrated responsibility—makes this a cautious yet fair approach. You're giving him a chance to prove himself while protecting your daughter’s emotional and physical safety. That’s called parenting.

Keep monitoring the situation and your daughter’s feelings closely. If he shows consistent effort and stability over time, you can reassess the boundaries. But until then, protecting your child from the potential fallout of his unreliability is the exact opposite of bitter—it’s responsible.

Helpful Resources:

  1. Talking Parents or OurFamilyWizard – Co-parenting apps that document communication and help set boundaries.
  2. "Divorced But Still My Parents" by Geraldine Sparrow – A helpful book for understanding how kids navigate relationships with both parents in complex family dynamics.

And remember: Protecting your daughter’s emotional and physical well-being is always the priority. Let him earn his role—not just expect it handed back.

Let me know if you'd like an accompanying visual!

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Christmas gifts for the special women in your lives 2024

Image
  What a thoughtful gesture! It’s so kind of you to recognize their ongoing support and thoughtfulness. Giving a little token of appreciation is a beautiful way to show gratitude and spread holiday cheer. Here’s a post you can share with them, along with five thoughtful Amazon gift suggestions for the mom. Post to Share: "Hi [Mom's Name] and [Daughter's Name], I just wanted to take a moment during this holiday season to express how much your continued support has meant to our family. Over the years, your kindness—attending every single one of [Son's Name]'s plays and musicals—has never gone unnoticed. It means so much to us, especially knowing that [Son's Name] isn't a direct connection to [Daughter's Name]. Your generosity and thoughtfulness remind us of the true meaning of community and friendship. We’re so lucky to know you both, and we hope these small gifts bring you a little joy this Christmas. Thank you for being such a wonderful part of our fami...
Read more

My ex-wife’s best friend, Sarah

Image
  "So, here’s the wild situation I’m dealing with—try to keep up. My ex-wife’s best friend, Sarah (not her real name), has a brother, Steven. Steven just happens to be my ex-wife’s boyfriend from way back in the day. A month ago, my ex-wife told me she wanted a divorce. Coincidentally, Steven is also going through a separation from his wife right now. Here’s the kicker: Steven’s wife messaged me, claiming that my ex-wife and Steven have been in a relationship since my ex-wife told me she wanted a divorce. When I asked my ex-wife if she was leaving me for Steven, she said no. But here we are now, and I can’t help but laugh at the absurdity of it all." My Take: Let’s play devil’s advocate for a moment: What if your ex-wife was telling the truth at the time she denied leaving you for Steven? It’s entirely possible that she and Steven weren’t officially “together” when she asked for the divorce. People often reconnect with those they already know after a breakup—it feels safe and...
Read more

Navigating New Relationships and Parenting Post-Divorce

Image
A divorced father of two boys shares his mixed feelings about his ex-wife’s new boyfriend, a police officer. While he acknowledges that the man seems decent and is actively participating in family activities, including buying gifts for his sons, it stirs up emotions of hurt and discomfort. He wonders if he should address his feelings or stay quiet and focus on co-parenting. 1. Acknowledge the Emotional Impact It’s completely normal to feel a pang of hurt when someone new steps into a role that feels close to your heart. However, your focus should remain on your relationship with your sons, which is irreplaceable. Remember, no one can take your place as their dad. Gifts and activities are nice, but what matters most is your ongoing presence and love. 2. Let His Actions Speak for Themselves You’ve already taken a commendable step by speaking to him and assessing his character. It’s good to remain cautious, but judging by what you’ve described, he seems to be making an effort to build a p...
Read more