My wife and I have been married for 10 years, I just found out she’s been cheating on me the entire time

 

" and have two kids together. I just found out she’s been cheating on me the entire time—every TDY (she’s active duty Army), every PCS move—she’s been with not just one person, but about 12 in total.

We’re in the process of divorcing now. Because of her schedule with the Army and constant TDYs, we figured out I’d have primary custody of the kids for around 280 days a year. She’d get about 85 days during summer and holidays.

Now I feel horrible for her, and I don’t know why. Should I feel this way? What would you do? Keep pretending we’re married and cheat like her? Divorce and move on? Or try to work it out?"

My Take:

First off, you’re asking all the right questions, but let’s hit pause for a second here. You found out that for 10 years—not one slip, but a pattern of dishonesty—she’s been cheating. That’s not a minor mistake, that’s a full-blown lifestyle choice. It’s totally understandable that you’re feeling overwhelmed, hurt, and maybe even questioning reality right now.

Here’s the thing: Feeling bad for her says more about you than it does about her. You’re clearly someone with compassion, someone who probably still cares about the idea of “family,” and maybe, you’re even feeling guilty for the situation. But let me say this loud and clear: This is not your fault.

You didn’t break this marriage—she did, repeatedly. It’s okay to grieve the loss of what you thought you had. But here’s what’s not okay: sacrificing your sanity, stability, and self-worth to pretend it’s all fine when it isn’t.

Now, as for what you should do:

  • Staying married and “just cheating too”? You’ll only hurt yourself and your kids in the long run. Resentment and guilt are heavy burdens.
  • “Trying to work it out”? Sure, people can work through infidelity, but 10 years of it? That’s not a crack—it’s a foundation that’s crumbled. You can’t rebuild trust with someone who made dishonesty their default.
  • Divorce and move forward: This is the most logical path. It sounds harsh, but this is where you get to put your kids, yourself, and your peace of mind first. You have 280 days a year to build something wonderful with your kids—a home filled with love, trust, and honesty. That’s what they deserve, and so do you.

This won’t be easy, but you’re stronger than you think. Take things one day at a time, focus on creating stability for your children, and lean on the people who truly care about you.

Resources to Explore:

  1. "Runaway Husbands: The Abandoned Wife's Guide to Recovery and Renewal" by Vikki Stark – It’s about healing and rediscovering yourself after betrayal.
  2. "Rising Strong" by Brené Brown – A great book for picking yourself up after a major emotional blow.
  3. Therapy for you and your kids—divorce and betrayal are a lot to unpack, and a professional can help you navigate it.
  4. Military OneSource – Offers free counseling and resources for families going through challenges like this.
  5. Group: Online or local support groups for divorced dads (like this one)—these spaces can be invaluable for connecting with others who get it.

HAt the end of the day, don’t let her choices define your future. You’ve got 280 days a year to show your kids what integrity, love, and resilience look like. That’s a pretty incredible opportunity, if you ask me. 💪ashtags:

#DivorceRecovery, #BetrayalHealing, #DadLife, #SingleParenting, #SelfWorth, #MovingOn, #NewBeginnings, #RisingAbove, #ParentingThroughDivorce, #HealingJourney, #YouDeserveBetter, #StrongDads, #MentalHealthMatters, #FamilyFirst, #LifeAfterBetrayal

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